Overall, lots of good stuff in this Mark. I’m not sure about all the initial camp rules business, at least while I first read it, but who knows.
A lot of writing exercises say a story should start somewhere other than where the author thinks it should, later, when things are ripping along. And Elmore Leonard said don’t write the prologue first, just get to the story asap.
That said, the preliminary is interesting. I liked the notion of pest control to protect, like Joe Friday, the innocent.
He had “improving conversation” a crypt in Ireland had chiseled into it, your “stimulating conversation.”
I vote pro breast, free the nipple. Someday it’ll be before the Supreme Catholic Court, right? Equal rights. Call off your old tired ethics (the COYOTE motto of Margo St. James, patron saint of hookers who I met at the Hooker’s ball in NY at the Copa)
Things are a bit discursive in these early parts. I do like that as a lawyer (inside information) you have a lot of rules, and yet, veto power in #11. Not a democracy.
Okay, now the incident. I really liked the halcyon lakeside description scene, a bit too lovely, but being splendidly smashed by “Get the fuck out of my tent>” And of course, the seriousness of the Glock being undercut (huh, huh, he said undercut) by Jane’s underwear.
The narrator could be described maybe. He could advance the narrative conversant with the law, maybe he’s in crim. justice if we know a bit more about him. As I said, the author being a lawyer. . .maybe that’s why he does this clinical observations at the beginning, here and there, etc.
Dave’s stilted dialogue might benefit from knowing, if in fact, he’s in the legal profession or what. “Amenable to speaking in shallow concepts” cries for more background, maybe expressed in dialogue that reveals his background.
Good image of the curb! Real noir stuff.
I like the retort, “It’s not the size that matters.” Reminded me of a scene from Performance when the gangsters says one of the girls is underendowed and she and the splendidly endowed Anita Pallenberg challenge him on that.
The description of flaunting, etc. maybe a little over the top, but the dynamic with Sally is thus established, and narrated later pretty well. Sexual attraction is pretty much as you’ve dressed it up, or undressed it with this speaking to you business, all the senses, etc.
Again, good dialogue on sitting there not hearing, not that there’s anything to hear. I like the ventrioloquest image a lot.
The mesmerizing vagina could use a bit of trimming. Har. And yes, we were getting bogged down.
Non-specific pronouns should often be replaced by what exactly “this” is that’s being taken seriously. It’s clear to you, but maybe benefits by just saying what “it” is.
The pussy talk reminds me of Tarantino, and that’s good. Tail between the legs, har.
Generally, and specifically, your metaphors speak well.
Good dialogue, round out without pulling the trigger. It’s maybe not necessary to tell us he’s attempting soothing tones cause of the economical way he’s actually used soothing words.
I did get a good mental image of the scorpion trigger.
I wonder about putting that shiort over here. Maybe he should ask first, but she might not agree if I know here.
I do wonder how cool is, not wanting to call the sherrif as if only rape were on her mind.
I like she’s smokig a Rocky Patel. Had a Cuban last night. Well, ¼ of one. My son in law likes my daughter because she’ll smoke a cigar. Out in Hollywood where they live and work, they’ve gone to parties where people rolled them live.
Okay, I wrote a story a few years back I’m going to have to get published. It was chosen for a Writer’s Workshop reading, angering longer members of that community. About an ex-con who travels to Boulder to get paid for a situation that had happened before his incarceration. You know, a real life memoir piece for me. Merman was the name. Anyway, After one of his army shoots himself in the nuts, and they get that all straightened out, finding where the bullet strayed, the hero sees a Volkswagen park and a blonde walk down to the lake. The hero, me of course because it happened, decide to walk down and take a swim with her. When I got there, she was removing the last of her clothes and smiles. We swim. She says to come by her work place, but I was aaaaargh, too busy. Anyway, it was called Merman, and I’d say as a rule, I don’t swim commando after a fish nipped my penis.
Your dialogue is good. They say that lawyers can be good playwrights because they hear dialogue all the time. “He didfn’t either.” Good that the whole swim scene is great dialogue, film worthy.
So I went through line by line. I’d have inserted my comments along side of the words that prompted them, but I couldn’t copy this. Maybe google docs. Let me know if you have any questions. Also, if you like, you can join my wife’s facebook East Anoka Camp website! She’s trying to help people going nuts. I’m comfortable being isolated, but that’s just my camp training.
March 21, 2020 at 3:28 pm
Overall, lots of good stuff in this Mark. I’m not sure about all the initial camp rules business, at least while I first read it, but who knows.
A lot of writing exercises say a story should start somewhere other than where the author thinks it should, later, when things are ripping along. And Elmore Leonard said don’t write the prologue first, just get to the story asap.
That said, the preliminary is interesting. I liked the notion of pest control to protect, like Joe Friday, the innocent.
He had “improving conversation” a crypt in Ireland had chiseled into it, your “stimulating conversation.”
I vote pro breast, free the nipple. Someday it’ll be before the Supreme Catholic Court, right? Equal rights. Call off your old tired ethics (the COYOTE motto of Margo St. James, patron saint of hookers who I met at the Hooker’s ball in NY at the Copa)
Things are a bit discursive in these early parts. I do like that as a lawyer (inside information) you have a lot of rules, and yet, veto power in #11. Not a democracy.
Okay, now the incident. I really liked the halcyon lakeside description scene, a bit too lovely, but being splendidly smashed by “Get the fuck out of my tent>” And of course, the seriousness of the Glock being undercut (huh, huh, he said undercut) by Jane’s underwear.
The narrator could be described maybe. He could advance the narrative conversant with the law, maybe he’s in crim. justice if we know a bit more about him. As I said, the author being a lawyer. . .maybe that’s why he does this clinical observations at the beginning, here and there, etc.
Dave’s stilted dialogue might benefit from knowing, if in fact, he’s in the legal profession or what. “Amenable to speaking in shallow concepts” cries for more background, maybe expressed in dialogue that reveals his background.
Good image of the curb! Real noir stuff.
I like the retort, “It’s not the size that matters.” Reminded me of a scene from Performance when the gangsters says one of the girls is underendowed and she and the splendidly endowed Anita Pallenberg challenge him on that.
The description of flaunting, etc. maybe a little over the top, but the dynamic with Sally is thus established, and narrated later pretty well. Sexual attraction is pretty much as you’ve dressed it up, or undressed it with this speaking to you business, all the senses, etc.
Again, good dialogue on sitting there not hearing, not that there’s anything to hear. I like the ventrioloquest image a lot.
The mesmerizing vagina could use a bit of trimming. Har. And yes, we were getting bogged down.
Non-specific pronouns should often be replaced by what exactly “this” is that’s being taken seriously. It’s clear to you, but maybe benefits by just saying what “it” is.
The pussy talk reminds me of Tarantino, and that’s good. Tail between the legs, har.
Generally, and specifically, your metaphors speak well.
Good dialogue, round out without pulling the trigger. It’s maybe not necessary to tell us he’s attempting soothing tones cause of the economical way he’s actually used soothing words.
I did get a good mental image of the scorpion trigger.
I wonder about putting that shiort over here. Maybe he should ask first, but she might not agree if I know here.
I do wonder how cool is, not wanting to call the sherrif as if only rape were on her mind.
I like she’s smokig a Rocky Patel. Had a Cuban last night. Well, ¼ of one. My son in law likes my daughter because she’ll smoke a cigar. Out in Hollywood where they live and work, they’ve gone to parties where people rolled them live.
Okay, I wrote a story a few years back I’m going to have to get published. It was chosen for a Writer’s Workshop reading, angering longer members of that community. About an ex-con who travels to Boulder to get paid for a situation that had happened before his incarceration. You know, a real life memoir piece for me. Merman was the name. Anyway, After one of his army shoots himself in the nuts, and they get that all straightened out, finding where the bullet strayed, the hero sees a Volkswagen park and a blonde walk down to the lake. The hero, me of course because it happened, decide to walk down and take a swim with her. When I got there, she was removing the last of her clothes and smiles. We swim. She says to come by her work place, but I was aaaaargh, too busy. Anyway, it was called Merman, and I’d say as a rule, I don’t swim commando after a fish nipped my penis.
Your dialogue is good. They say that lawyers can be good playwrights because they hear dialogue all the time. “He didfn’t either.” Good that the whole swim scene is great dialogue, film worthy.
So I went through line by line. I’d have inserted my comments along side of the words that prompted them, but I couldn’t copy this. Maybe google docs. Let me know if you have any questions. Also, if you like, you can join my wife’s facebook East Anoka Camp website! She’s trying to help people going nuts. I’m comfortable being isolated, but that’s just my camp training.
Stay safe.